I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Randomize
