just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
im six kinds of drunk right now
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
