A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
