I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
