I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
