just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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