Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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