you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
