U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
