I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
