the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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