Your face is a jimmy john
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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