Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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