I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
