he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
