he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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