well I can't set my house on fire every night
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
