This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
