listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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