She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
