Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
