woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
