sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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