I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
