he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
