DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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