I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
