I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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