so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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