Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
