I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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