id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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