Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize