omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
