Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
