I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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