I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i was born a porn star she said
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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