I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
there's paper in my vomit.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
