And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
