Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
