My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
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