I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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