You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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