NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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