If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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