well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
