; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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