Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
