Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
