college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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