Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
